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most common questions in my e-mail is some variation on this: "How do I find women to have cybersex with? People still seem to believe the internet is full of millions of lonely, socially inept dweebs desperately masturbating with other lonely, socially inept dweebs pretending to be porn stars. Few writers bother to look beyond the fear to find other stories about sex in virtual spaces.

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And if you're not willing to make the investment, go to a cam-girl site and pay to play instead.

Because I've been an observer but not sexually active online for the past few years, I called up Kirk (not his real name), an administrator in an adults-only webcam community.

We had a private webcam conversation that confirmed what I already knew: Nothing but the tech has changed since my days as Aphrodite.

Kirk says his main responsibility as room admin is "to kick out the creeps."Minors and spammers are booted without question; so is anyone who starts "directing" – telling other people what to do on their cameras – or harassing other members, particularly the women. " or trying to lure premium members to free instant messengers is also grounds for bouncing.

Throughout our interview, I notice that he often uses the word "play" to describe what people do while in the room.

That's not a term often associated with depression or obsession, two conditions in which you forget how to play.

The draw now is the community itself, the relationships he has formed over time."I like coming home and chatting with people," he says.

"Often the conversation in the room is pretty superficial, but talking behind the scenes in IM can get more substantive."He does admit to the occasional "wank session," though.

' and it just doesn't work that way," he says.

"It's the equivalent of walking up to a stranger in a bar and saying 'hey, wanna fuck'?

And then you go through a lull when someone leaves, or the woman who is the focus of the most attention will leave, and everyone else starts to cam off and leave too."Kirk can't believe how many men – still – expect instant gratification.

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